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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
why we do not have a romance class...............