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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.