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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I want to sleep tighter
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)