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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.