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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.