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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
I say the things better left unsaid.