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I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.