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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
So many rules; so little time to break them.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?