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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.