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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!