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Dear Santa, I was framed!
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.