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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner