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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
I drink to make other people interesting
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Being normal is boring.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.