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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
I get as much action as a white crayon.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.