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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.