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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.