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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell