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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"