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I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.