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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Never trust a skinny chef
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.