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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.