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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?