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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.