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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I think, therefore i`m single.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."