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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
This day needs more tomfoolery!
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.