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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.