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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.