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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.