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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.