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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.