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Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.