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Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever