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Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.