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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.