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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.