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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I hate it when Iām singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.