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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!