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Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
A leaf blower, but for people.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
For once in my life, Iād like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.