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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"