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If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.