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If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.