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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.