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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!