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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.