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Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!