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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I wish I had a friend like me
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.