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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?