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Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!