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Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!