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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.