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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.