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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Siri, where are my pants?
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.