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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.