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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.