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sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time