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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.