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is "insert clever remark here."
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.