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Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack