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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
drink beer ?? save water
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.