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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.