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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.