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Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.