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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.