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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Can I get likes for no reason?