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I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
It’s not pretty being easy.