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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"