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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.