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IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.