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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?