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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.