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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.