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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.