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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.