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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?