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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there