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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
My life coach just benched me.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.