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I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
why do i feel like you are reading this
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.