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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll