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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!