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Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.