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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.