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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.