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First fart at my new job.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk