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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.