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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.