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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.